But, Dad Said...

At some point your child will start moving on their own. By this time you should have your house “baby proofed.” Install a “baby gate,” partitioning areas safe for baby from areas not. That’s not the tip. The tip is: Remember you installed the “baby gate,” or that shit will take you the fuck out in the middle of the night.

For the first time since becoming a SAHD, I feel I have a parenting oriented tip worthy of a post!

But, Dad Said… tip#001
Strategic Humidifier Placement

Aim one humidifier head towards a house plant, the other towards the bag of wipes.

If you choose a neglect friendly plant, you won’t have to water it again.  Having a large houseplant in the nursery just makes good common sense to me.

I’d say 4 out of 10 times I forget to reseal the bag of wipes.  Dried out wipes waste money. With one humidifier head pointed over the wipes, even if you forget to reseal the wipes 10 out of 10 times, they will still be moist and fresh in those clutch moments.

If your humidifier does not have two heads, you can at least keep the last living houseplant in your house alive.

Apparently we have entered the squawking phase. Cooing was super cute, but there is nothing cute about the sounds of a feral cat orgy.

I’ve always hated when people say that, “Today is my Friday.” No, it’s not, it’s Sunday, it’s everyone’s Sunday.

Honestly, I didn’t realize today was Friday, not until Mommy told me. That means I did it! I made it through my first week as a full time stay at home Dad. If today is Friday, does that mean I get tomorrow off? I should have discussed time off during the compensation portion of the interview.

Anyone who knows the other half of my parenting team knows that she had wicked heartburn.  I decided we should match.

My brother sent me a link that had a pie chart breaking down parenting between 51% uninmaginable joy and 49% pain in the ass. Today was one of those 49% days.

We have thrown around the term “blow out” far too liberally in the last 7 1/2 weeks, today I discovered the true definition. After an hour, a dozen different cotton articles making their way to the laundry room, an overflown baby tub, and the ensuing freak out by both sides of the parenting team, The Baby and I set off for the store.

I must stink like new parent. Everywhere I go with The Baby all I hear in my periphery is chatter about babies. I think I look so unnatural that one two word phrase keeps coming to mind, Stranger Danger! Is that what they think? I try not to make eye contact. I didn’t figure out the car seat/shopping cart combination so I’m pushing The Baby in the stroller and gathering my items throughout the store sans buggy or basket. “If they’re watching me on the camera they’re gonna think I’m using this baby I kidnapped to steal some shit.” I make a hard turn away from the doors, towards the self checkout so they know I’m legit.

Back at home sorrys and I love yous are exchanged and all forgotten. I feed The Baby and make lunch for the parenting team. When’s nap time? When the crying stops. I lay my beautiful, now sleeping baby down in her crib and lie down myself… Cue circular saw from neighbor’s yard.